Trust

What do you do when the entire world, can’t be trusted. What do you do when your heart, soul and mind can’t stand to be let down again. What, do you do when your entire being beckons you to find a way to place yourself on an island, to make sure that you will never feel hurt; derived from letting someone… anyone, in to a place that allows them to hurt you.

The blankets of my bed, cover me and disallow the coldness of the world to sink into my soul via my exposed bones without skin.

Vulnerability is the acid that has melted away the covering of me, hurt has been the bullet; shooting at my trust since my life began.

If I don’t get out of the bed; then the chances of me becoming prey, are pretty much limited to things that I can control.

I’m scared to go outside, scared to go to work, scared to love, scared to care, scared to go to church… I just don’t want to be hurt no more!

I’m scared that should I be hurt again; my “self” would not be able to sustain the injury, and that this time my “self” will be lost in the fall out.

I fear that the hole that I would fall into this time, with the drugs, the streets, the darkness, the self destructive behavior(s) will be too great of an amount.

The reality is that there is no secret formula, nor proven method to protect against the possibility of being hurt. There is no way to make sure that you will never be lied to. There is no way to guarantee that your trust will never be violated.

Despite the fact that even those; who I believed never should have betrayed my trust, have betrayed my trust, I had to realize that “I can not remain in bed for the rest of my life.”

Even though, every time I feel someone/anyone getting close; my hands start to shake…

Even though, the birth of my son tempted me to return to my bed and blanket for ever…

Even though, the publishing of my book “ A Different Percentile”© and the creation of the website scares the hell out of me…

Yes… even success scares me. It scares me because, I have to trust that one day it won’t just disappear. I have to trust that the individuals that it brings me into contact with won’t hurt me.

So… why am I not in the bed? So how did I get to a comfort level that allowed me to publish a book and create a website?

Simple: Trust is not giving to everyone/everything on the same level. I have to “trust” that people, places and things will do what it is that they are able and willing to do.

My car will not go 320 miles an hour.

The person that has not discovered who they are, can be the savior of my still to be identified “self”.

That a person; without a definition of love for themselves, can define love for you.

Is there a possibility for an exception to any of this… yes; but that’s the point. Life, love, wealth, success, an Ohio State Football game and anything else in life are unpredictable to a certain extent.

I accept the possibility that; becoming vulnerable can happen, being lied to can happen, my heart can be broken, I could lose my job…

But… that’s why it is important for me to strengthen myself. Fortify my spirit. Reinforce my mind. Enhance my resolve.

If I live my life and never allow anyone/anything in …. Then; I will live my life never allowing anyone/anything in… and that will be a lonely existence.

Simply put…

Start out slowly… whether it’s trust… love… faith… whatever. Don’t offer it all at once. Allow a person, place, or thing to earn it. But most importantly… have a realistic expectation of what could occur.

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